bjturk.comedy: bits of wit and wisdom

bjturk.comedy
an oasis of humor in a not-too-funny world

opinions
humor
one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one ultimate bad joke

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1201. Hooters is a thinking man's restaurant.

1202. Imagine the surprise on the face of the first person to pan-fry corn kernels.

1203. How clean are sanitoriums?

1204. Your underwear drawer should not bear a "Biohazard" sign.

1205. Do they use those mops on the court during a basketball game to wipe up the dribbles?

1206. White board. Now there's a creative name.

1207. I cracked up the first time that I heard a traffic reporter refer to a car fire as a "Car-B-Q."

1208. What good are running shoes if the laces won't stay tied?

1209. If you order several items at once, the one you want or need most will be back-ordered.

1210. I would rather see a golf course than a shopping mall.

1211. You never see "No Right Turn" signs at the Indy 500.

1212. Do the less-successful NASCAR drivers go into running moonshine?

1213. The call you desperately wait for never comes.

1214. How can you be a blockhead if you have a rounded skull?

1215. You never develop a large pimple early in the week.

1216. It's more embarrassing to split your zipper than to split your pants.

1217. If you cop a feel, you may feel a cop.

1218. If we don't want people to be trigger-happy, then triggers should not look like a smile.

1219. What was the first name of Mr. Ed? If his first name was Ed, then what was his last name?

1220. People think that golf is silly, but not football. Explain that.

1221. What did Dale Carnegie say when he was totally furious?

1222. With a name like Spiro, we should have known...

1223. Taking turns and sharing aren't the same thing.

1224. How come so many blackboards are green?

1225. There is nothing like sliding down a grassy hill on a piece of cardboard.

1226. Football players don't need sensitivity training.

1227. My monitor is looking at me.

1228. Veterinarians have been known to feel a little hoarse from time to time.

1229. How does a one-armed person applaud?

1230. I turned the key in my trunk, and the car started. (inspired by Steven Wright)

1231. My dog ate the garage door opener. Every time he urinates, the door goes up.

1232. I run like quartz clockwork: I have few moving parts.

1233. Sometimes, those who crusade for rights are wrong.

1234. Another oxymoron: "tight fit."

1235. I got an Earth Day memo that was copied on one side each of three pages. (Actually happened in 1989 when I worked at Motorola)

1236. If you are biking up the same hill that you rode up yesterday, are you recycling?

1237. Licking a postage stamp is half a calorie, but how much is from fat?

1238. Even if the door says "Pull," you will invariably push it first.

1239. Don't dive onto the pool table.

1240. It's hard to look progressive while wearing a bow tie.

1241. When in doubt, delegate.

1242. Who would throw shit at a fan anyway?

1243. If my karma runs over your dogma, don't hit me with a Panama.

1244. Whippoorwills are sadistic.

1245. If you were truly independent, you would never have to go shopping.

1246. A dirty old man is junk male.

1247. The first time you try to install a sprinkler system, you probably won't dig deep enough.

1248. Do I have to have a kaleidoscope to see a real kaleid?

1249. A whistling teakettle is a one-note pan flute.

1250. Bell peppers don't ring very loudly.

1251. How do you sharpen the blades on an organ grinder?

1252. If you are going to crash, do it in bed.

1253. It is more comfortable to hug when standing, but not always as much fun.

1254. Cross-dressing...never mind.

1255. I used to think that dogs held the key to happiness.

1256. Tragically, another oxymoron: "common sense."

1257. You make the time to do that which you enjoy, but something you hate to do demands to be done first.

1258. I can write "toy boat" three times better than I can say it three times.

1259. Listen carefully when conversing with an auctioneer.

1260. When it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight, take it there yourself.

1261. The mascot for the U.S. Postal Service should be a blind turtle.

1262. If you give away a Wurlitzer, you may be an organ donor.

1263. Some trains chug-a-lug diesel fuel.

1264. A U.S. Army M1 Abrams tank sounds like a jet, but it sure doesn't move like one.

1265. If the letter is marked "First Class," the contents probably aren't.

1266. If there was no reward, would you do it anyway?

1267. It is difficult to be depressed when watching children at a playground.

1268. Only babies truly "go ga-ga" over anything.

1269. The trophy animal is always posed more viciously than the way it was when it was shot to death. (inspired by Gary Larson)

1270. Mommy gives better hugs than daddy.

1271. "Endless loop" is redundant.

1272. Men can't attract mates in the same way that crickets do.

1273. Anything printed will contain at least one error, which will probably be that it was printed at all.

1274. Don't blame the computer. It only did the stupid thing that it was told to do.

1275. Showoffs eventually show how dumb they are.

1276. If you don't file papers right away, your desk will be virtually unrecognizable three days after you last cleaned it.

1277. If you want it to rain, wash your car.

1278. Wear steel-toed boots at a cowboy bar. Trust me on this one.

1279. A leaking breast implant should give a falsie alarm.

1280. The funny bone is not very humerus.

1281. If you are a lousy hitter, what's the point in corking your bat?

1282. Happiness is a warm puppy, particularly if you practice beastiality.

1283. Some people should wear cowbells instead of pagers.

1284. I still shake my head in wonder when someone answers his cell phone in the plumbing section of The Home Depot.

1285. What if I only want soup and nuts, and not everything in between?

1286. It is safer to have sex on an airplane if you're not the pilot.

1287. Nobody looks better wearing glasses, but if you wear them, you will think so.

1288. Redford latched onto the Sundance name because it was the best role he ever had.

1289. Yet another tragic oxymoron: "common courtesy."

1290. We damn things far more than God does.

1291. Do gorillas go ape?

1292. If someone tells you to get out of town, go, but come back often enough to annoy the heck out of him.

1293. There is no such thing as a harmless chemical.

1294. When using a hammer, remember which nail you are trying to hit.

1295. Most of what we call "pint-sized" is larger than sixteen fluid ounces.

1296. Elevators and escalators bring me down.

1297. Just because the jury says "innocent" doesn't mean that the defendant is.

1298. If you are on a rowing team, should you have a crew cut?

1299. Some carnivorous fish gotta have sole.

1300. Iron your boxers at least one hour before putting them on.

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